Irritating Curses
by Hungarian Coat
Summary: Albus Dumbledore is having an radically evil day, and takes it out on the staff, unleashing his infamous 'jar of curses'! Rather funny, I think. Please review!


Irritating Curses  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. He's JK Rowling's. I HATE Disclaimers.  
  
Like most respectable, intelligent, extremely powerful wizards, I keep a jar of curses in my desk. Some of the worst sort, really. And when I'm feeling malicious (which is not a frequent occurrence nowadays) I let them lose on the general public.  
  
Today was one of those 'malicious' days, I just mentioned.  
  
"MINERVA!" I barked, throwing my cup of tea at Fawkes. Fawkes gave an irritating squawk, and fell off his perch, promptly bursting into flame. The fire spread quickly to the door way, much faster than normal fire (which as action movies dictate, should have formed an inpenetratable roaring ring of flames about me), and when Minerva McGonagall entered, she was burned to death. I extinguished the fire, but regrettably moments after her body had been reduced to ash. Madam Pomfrey identified Minerva's dental records, and asked me how long I had been standing there, as it would have taken the poor woman at least two hours to burn completely to ash. I assured her (in a threatening way) that that was EXACTLY how long I had been standing there. Then I took initiative (further more, as I had been standing on one foot as I spoke to her, something I consider taking inititative) and opened my jar of curses.  
  
Sometime during the day (I was very, very inebriated at this point) Severus paid a visit. He entered in a foul mood, and became even more enraged that I had not swept up Minerva. He dragged a good portion of her dusty remains away on the hem of his cloak, and was just a little disconcerted by that fact.  
  
"Albus!" He said, leaning forward on my desk, his ridiculously unkept hair in his face, "Albus, we need to talk. This has gone on long enough, and I demand that we bury Flitwick."  
  
"Bury... Flitwick? Whys ya wanna do that?" I slurred. Severus gave me one of his patented 'I'm-Going-To-Crucify-You' stares, but stayed composed.  
  
"Why? Because he's been dead for 9 years! The students are becoming suspicious, and I can't stand eating lunch in the same room with him. Besides, no matter what light you put it in, having a taxidermist install one of those rolling weasel balls inside Flitwick's corpse was a BAD idea. Can you imagine what must be running through those little imp's minds when Flitwick rolls wildly about the room, mid-lesson?"  
  
I thought for a moment, my chin propped on a fist. There was a twinkle in my eye, as usual. "Nope."  
  
"Nope, what?" He snarled. Then he noticed Poppy Pomfrey. "Merlin's Beard, what on earth is she doing!?"  
  
Madam Pomfrey was pushing her nose along the carpet of my exquisite office, making obnoxious grunting noises, and leaving a trail of drool embedded in the carpet that stemmed from her lower lip, which was dragging along as she crawled.  
  
Suddenly I was sober. I know, I don't know how I do it either. "Looking for mushrooms. Be a dear, Severus." I handed him a box of mushrooms, which I had placed cleverly out of the woman's reach, because I thought she looked quite humorous. I nodded to Poppy. He blinked uncomprehendingly at me.  
  
"Why is she looking for mushrooms, Albus?" He prodded the nurse with one of his boots, and she gave a snort, rearing back and splattering saliva all over his pant leg.  
  
"Because she thinks she's a wild boar." I answered matter-of-factly. Severus arched an eyebrow, and as I was feeling so nefarious, I took offense to this, and proceeded to open my jar of curses again.  
  
"So, I said "No, that's my pillow case!" Remus Lupin laughed as he entered my office, followed by Sirius Black. I really wish people would knock. What if I was naked, or throwing a party that required me to be naked? Same results either way.  
  
"Hello, boys." I said amiably. They smiled and gave their greetings, before noticing Severus, who was brooding darkly in the corner.  
  
"Severus, what are you doing here?" Remus asked cheerfully, whilst Sirius made comical stabbing motions at Severus' back.  
  
"Isn't the air so clear?" He replied darkly. Remus and Sirius glanced at me, and I shrugged, eyes-a-twinkling.  
  
"What?" Remus asked. Severus turned, fists clenching in and out at his sides.  
  
"Slut!" He growled. Remus looked aghast, (he was always such a prissy little boy) and Sirius seemed ready to do battle.  
  
"Severus, what's gotten into you?"  
  
"I don't know, want to play 'Clue'?" He replied, in a less than friendly manner. Sirius gasped.  
  
"Someone's cast a rhyming curse on him!" He sputtered. I stood, tossing back a maniacal bout of laughter.  
  
"That's right, my dear Sirius, it's a pity you won't live to tell the tale!" I bellowed.  
  
"Did you hear the one about the sailor and the whale?" Severus offered helpfully. Sirius pulled out his wand.  
  
"I knew it, the old bastard's finally snapped!" He nodded to Remus, and he did the same, though with less of a triumphant battle theme blaring.  
  
"And when I was done, hardly anyone clapped." Severus said defiantly, also brandishing his wand. I put my hands up on my hips, and when I dipped, they dipped and I dipped. But that's hardly important at all. Let's just say I royally whooped their asses, and that the whole confrontation involved lots of Bullet-Time special effects, and some amazing slow motion shots of Minerva catching on fire over and over again.  
  
Remus looked particularly glum during the post-climactic-battle party, which was really just us standing in my office afterwards. Anyway, Remus' mouth had been cursed so that his bottom jaw was the complete lower half of his face, and when he talked his whole upper head flipped back, and he had to manually push it back onto the bottom set of teeth if he wanted to utter another syllable. Sirius was blind in two of the three eyes I had cursed onto his chest, but that was only because I poked them with a quill. Madam Pomfrey was killed in the skirmish.  
  
"Albus, can't we talk this out, like reasonable people?" Sirius demanded, applying some 'Clear Eyes' to his new chest features.  
  
"This is the church, this is the steeple." Severus whispered, entwining his fingers together to illustrate his point. Remus turned to glare, perfectly incensed, at Severus.  
  
"SHUT-" His upper head flipped back, and there was an awkward pause that completely ruined the flow of his command as he pushed it back into place, "-UP."  
  
"Juice cup!" Severus retaliated.  
  
"Why Albus, why?" Sirius asked, his eyes pleading for some spark of the old me.  
  
"You can do it if you try." Severus muttered. I frowned, considering this, (The 'Why' factor, of course)and then walked to Sirius.  
  
"Excuse me, could you-" I lay down on my stomach, and pointed to the best of my ability, at a point of my back. "Could you just step on me?"  
  
"The carpenter would like some tea." The potions professor spat bitterly, sitting down on Pomfrey's dead, but rather comfy, body.  
  
Sirius blinked numerously, chest-eyes and all, exchanged a glance with Remus (a rather brief one, as Remus' lips stretched to the back of his head, and he looked like he was perpetually grinning madly), and then stepped onto my back. There was a resounding crack, and I sighed with relief, leaping spritely to my feet.  
  
"Terribly sorry, I fell asleep in my armchair last night, and woke up with such an ache that I was destined to be in a bad mood."  
  
"The monkey's eaten all the food!" Severus lamented, his face cradled in his hands.  
  
"So, you'll remove the curses?" Sirius asked, smiling.  
  
"I have so many purses..."  
  
"Why certainly!" I replied with an equally pleased smile. I canceled all of the foul curses that had been set upon my friends, returned them to their jar, and hid the aforementioned bottle away for safe keeping.  
  
For awhile I left the rhyming curse on Severus, and we had a good time making him say silly things, like "Look, my shoes are too plush", and "Uncle Tony devoured the world, and I watched".  
  
After that, we all marched down to have a word with Flitwick concerning his burial. He seemed totally against it, and rolled cleverly out of the classroom, laughing maniacally, only to have his batteries go dead on the way to the front doors.  
  
THE END  
  
Dedicated to Minerva McGonagall, who was warm and aflame until the very end, and Madam Pomfrey, may she live on as someone rich with mushrooms.  
  
-Please review! 


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